Issue #10: We Listened to An Hour of Country Radio So You Don't Have To

Everything is horny and yet, nothing is horny at all (plus we learned what a "Morgan Wallen Doublewide" is, send help)

Is country radio really as dismal as everyone says? Do they only play men named Luke and Morgan? Do they ever play…country? Does country radio even matter, anyway?

We know the answer to that first question is yes — we even have the data to prove it, many times over (and a book, ahem). And “probably” on the second. The third one and fourth ones…well, if you are interested in the dynamics of questions like that, it’s likely part of why you subscribe to this newsletter.

We talk a lot about country radio — its problems, its powers, why it still matters so much in America. But talk is talk. Sometimes there’s nothing like the simple act of Tuning In to see how it actually unfolds, in real time. So we decided to do just that: play country radio. For an hour on Monday, at 11 a.m. CT exactly, Natalie queued up the The Wolf and New Country 96.3 (both Cumulus) in Dallas, while Marissa, 97.9 FM (The Big 98) in Nashville (an iHeart station) and we hopped in the Don’t Rock The Inbox Slack channel to chat about what we heard in real time.

What did we learn? More than we thought we would in many ways, while being totally unsurprised in others. We now know what a “Morgan Wallen Doublewide” is, sadly. We know what country songs are sufficiently horny (if any truly are). We were reminded how good the fiddle can sound on country radio, or how fun a simple twangy bop can be (and how hating everything mainstream just because it’s mainstream is so damn boring). We learned a lot more, and talked about even more, but you’ll just have to read on…

In the words of our king Maren Morris, roll the windows down and turn up the dial.

—Marissa

Natalie: Ok, here we go! Over in Dallas we're listening to Brothers Osborne — a surprisingly tolerable start: "Stay A Little Longer."

Marissa: I loved "Stay A Little Longer." I hope the Bros have radio play on the new songs though, which will be interesting and/or depressing to see. I am two minutes in on 97.9 and it's Luke Combs with “The Kind of Love We Make.” I like Luke a lot but amazing that he is like one of two or three artists I'd predict to hear immediately. And here we are, first song in.

Natalie: Ah yes, classic horny Luke. Now we're onto a decade-old Billy Currington song here — The Wolf is nominally like...all eras (but with a pretty heavy recency bias).

Marisa: I do like this Luke song. It's no “Like a Wrecking Ball,” but horny enough. Now we have Thomas Rhett, “Angels.” I haven't listened to this one. Thomas has a nice voice, I feel like he could still have a really great album in him somewhere.

Natalie: Yeah, he's firmly in the "could be a lot worse" category for me. I haven't even heard that one. I'm keeping an eye on the DFW new country station too — over there we've got Corey Kent (????) and Bailey Zimmerman so far...Gotta admit I don't fully understand the "Rock and a Hard Place" fervor. I saw him do it at the ACMs and it's just like....a very generic power ballad?

Marissa: “Rock and a Hard Place” doesn’t do it for me at all. I don't get it. Doing great by being fine? This Thomas song is fine, too, it's like a nice marriage song? Sort of funny to play after Luke's "let's get to bangin' song." Are we gonna get a dad song next? The whole trajectory.

Natalie: One must follow the other.

Marissa: Bangin song’ - > wife song - > dad song -> dead dad song.

Natalie: That more or less covers it. We've got a 2021 Dustin Lynch song I've never heard before...."Thinking 'Bout You"? It does feature MacKenzie Porter though, our first woman of the hour. Incredibly dull song.

Marissa: Women are allowed if they are in duet form! Just not back to back of course. Dustin Lynch has like maybe 30,000 singles and they are all midtempo and completely unremarkable.

Natalie: I could not tell you one thing about Dustin Lynch, which hopefully at least means he's not aggressively MAGA. The new country station followed Zimmerman with "Life Is A Highway" (???). That “recent” hit from the Cars soundtrack (2006), lmao. I guess it's summery? Now they're onto Scotty McCreery, "It Matters To Her.” Sample lyric: "It matters to her" x 50.

Marissa: It that a husband song?

Natalie: Yeah basically - very weird tone: "If it seems like your wife/girlfriend isn't appreciating you enough...she is."

Marissa: I am listening to this while I wait through commercial break. So much potential for this to be a horny song but instead is just mild: "when you put her first.” Not to be 12 years old but that lyric is so much better if you added "in bed.” I find this song hilarious…If this guy went to therapy the therapist would be like, she actually doesn’t like you. Instead the lyrics are like "Don’t worry if she seems like she hates you! It's fine."

Natalie: Literally. Lots of like, "these phrases are things people like, how can we string them together?"

Marissa: Well, we're back on and we're playing “Wagon Wheel,” Darius Rucker version. Shit on “Wagon Wheel” all you want but it sounds so good to hear this much fiddle on the radio.

Natalie: I have been educated since moving to TX that the Old Crow Medicine Show version is many people's religion. Living in NY, I have to admit I did not know.

Marissa: Oh, definitely.

Natalie: We heard Kane Brown "Bury Me In Georgia," both actually new and actually fun. Now we're onto yet another Billy Currington song lmao (not the same station, but still…).

Marissa: I couldn’t name a Billy Currington song?

Natalie: This one is from 2015. "Do I Make You Wanna."

Marissa: Wanna...what? Husband song or bangin’ song?

Natalie: This is "You Make Me Wanna…" appropriation. It is bangin’ song. "Do I make you wanna howl at the moon," etc. 

Marissa: Ew.

Natalie: There's a little full accent Lainey Wilson interview playing: "My first one is don't do it" (that's her piece of advice for entering the music business). #girlpower. And now they're playing "Watermelon Moonshine,” which is nice enough but kind of too close to "Strawberry Wine."

Marissa: Yeah to quote you, that's like country AI. “Raspberry Beer?” “Well, no….”

Natalie: Also The Wolf is playing "Never Wanted To Be That Girl" — I guess 11:20 CT is the appointed lady o'clock.

Marissa: We haven't had a woman here yet — “Till You Can't” by Cody Johnson is on now. This song has such potential for a great bridge but instead it's just "yeaaaah."

Natalie: More red dirt in Nashville than on TX radio lol. Oh no….they are playing a clip of Lainey Wilson “rapping” on the new country station. This is not a thing that should be broadcast. Now they're airing some promo clip (not with Lainey) talking about Farmer’s Only. Can't make this up.

Marissa: Well, here we are: second Luke Combs song in under 30 minutes - "Fast Car.” It's wild hearing this. What happens when you hear this song without the visceral references of the original?

Natalie: I think most people think it's Luke's song…I need somebody to get Tracy Chapman on the horn. Has it already happened?

Marissa: No! She's like, training horses in California?

Natalie: Living her best life. We've got "You" by Chris Young on The Wolf. "Girl you rock me harder than some downtown band" is a hilarious lyric. This song is kind of fun though. It sounds so like early aughts American Idol.

Marissa: Again, a song that would be hotter if you rearranged the words.

Natalie: Now Tim McGraw, "Don't Take The Girl"....patriarchy anthem. This is like the most depressing Tim McGraw song I've ever heard. Out of all the Tim McGraw songs….why on earth play this one…

Marissa: I’m on to "She's Got It All" by Kenny Chesney. I have not heard this one in ages. So many country songs about dudes being shocked they have a woman who likes them, like the Scotty song. This has a dope solo on it though.

Natalie: The final pre-beach Kenny single.

Marissa: We have arrived at our first Morgan Wallen. "Last Night.” Sigh.

Natalie: Oh dear. Just not even a good song. I was on the record as an MW fan pre-everything, and I truly feel like his music has gone downhill (not just bc he's openly an asshole). Truly a test for the Moi-pilled among us.

Marissa: It's not. Among all the obvious things to say about it and Morgan this song is bad. At least "Whisky Glasses" was good and smart. This is terrible. I'm gonna put on that Tim song while this finishes, it's honestly the first song I can't deal with finishing. It's just bad to my ears.

Natalie: The new country station is playing "Springsteen" (good) and The Wolf is playing Lee Brice "One Of Them Girls" (bad).

Marissa: OH NO. It's a "Morgan Wallen Double Wide.” Which is apparently a tag they use to play back to back Morgan Wallen.

Natalie: Christ on a cracker.

Marissa: This is worse than I thought it would be. "Wasted on You," also terrible. I can't believe they won't play two women back to back but they will play the SAME MALE ARTIST.

Natalie: LOL we've got “Last Night” over here on the new country station…it’s Wallen o’clock. Truly absurd, seeing if Cumulus is also doing the "Morgan Wallen Doublewide."

Marissa: What an awful collection of words.

Natalie: The Wolf is playing Thomas Rhett "Die A Happy Man" which has always made me gag a little. Too wedding song-core. oh we've got more dustin lynch (different station) to follow Morgan Wallen. The song is called "Where It's At (Yep, Yep)." Weren't working too hard on that title, lol.

Marissa: Oh god I remember that song. I remember writing it up — specifically the "yep, yep" part — and having some sort of existential crisis. 40 minutes in, two Luke's, a Morgan Wallen Doublewide and no women over here. Country music: doing things the way they have always been done since forever.

Natalie: In the heart of Nashville: exactly what you'd expect. In Texas: George Strait on the Wolf, of course. I have the T Rhett “Angels” song on the new country station here now.

Marissa: Has he released a horny song?

Natalie: He may have originated “wife guy” country

Marissa: Oh, wait, he did - “Make Me Wanna!”

Natalie: Make Me Wanna (Have Sex).

Marissa: I’m laughing out loud.

Natalie: Oh we've got a Marissa fave on here.

Marissa: Kip?

Natalie: Indeed. "Somethin' Bout A Truck. Good song. Original Kip. Self aware. We stan.

Marissa: Yes! People totally didn't get that one. Self-aware bro country. I'm on Jordan Davis’ "Next Thing You Know.” This one is trying to do the classic country thing that's like, "next thing you know, you have a kid and next thing you know, you're all dead" but to pull it off you gotta go whole hog.

Natalie: sigh. one of the wannabe Sam Hunts. he could never.

Marissa: also could be made better by acting like a thirteen year old: "Next Thing You Know" (We Were Fuckin’).

Natalie: See, Sam always goes full horny. He recognizes his gifts. Makes me sad how much he's fallen out of the zeitgeist. Oh wow we've got solo Tyler Hubbard, woke king [Ed. note: only and specifically to the people who followed every step of the FGL breakup]. "Dancin' In The Country.” This is like, very much trying to be a line dancing song, which I'm not mad at. I'm groovin', this song is kind of fun.

Marissa: It’s Keith Urban, “Somebody Like You” here.

Natalie: The Wolf is playing horny Aldean. "Girl Like You.”

Marissa: Oh noooo….the worst of the the horny subcategory.

Natalie: worst case scenario.

Marissa: I’m so sorry. I'm still on Keith. I don't hate this song.

Natalie: The new country station is playing "Wait In The Truck.” Yes, for those keeping track at home, that makes two Lainey Wilson songs in just one hour. (No other women, naturally.)

Marissa: If you get to be the The One Woman, life is good. everyone else, sorry! Finally my one woman on my station — Kane Brown's wife Katelyn — on "Thank God." This is Ed Sheeran country.

Natalie: I can't believe I haven't heard one song from King Combs. I'm conflicted about “Wait In The Truck.” I like that it's different. I like that it's a story song. I don't think Hardy is a very good singer. I don't love the like vengeance thing, but I guess in some ways that's just old school country....my knee jerk thing is like, why does she need a man to save her? Give me my “Goodbye Earl.”

Marissa: Amen. I like Kane Brown's voice a lot but "Thank God" is meh for me. Married people being psyched they found each other...cool? Not horny enough.

Natalie: Yeah, there is still such a thing as too pop.

Marissa: In my last three minutes I have Chris Young and "Looking for You."

Natalie: I've got FGL's “May We All” on The Wolf.

Marissa: I feel like Chris Young needs to do a Brett Eldredge move.

Natalie: Yeah the Bublé route lol. Country to Bubs pipeline. People love their crooners.

Marissa: Brett's last album was really good too. Wait…I’m dying. My last song for our experiment is… Luke Bryan’s “Shake it for Me.” Don't mean to make this whole thing about horny songs but we're getting the spectrum. "Tangle me up like grandmas yarn.” Nothing hotter than thinking about grandma in bed.

Natalie: Lol, wow - textbook. The Wolf is playing “Pontoon.” I saw it on the playlist for the new country station too. Two spins for “Pontoon” in ~an hour is p good for 2023. Also a horny song… “Mmmm motorboatin’”.

Marissa: A good song and a horny one.

Natalie: Well, what did we learn? We learned about the continued relevance of Dustin Lynch and Billy Currington.

Marissa: We sure did. I didn't hear one solo woman on iHeart radio, who loves to do "lady hour" things but is clearly the worst. I learned about what a "Morgan Wallen Doublewide" is and I wish I didn’t.

Natalie: It is wild to see the one woman an hour rule in action — both the Wolf and New Country 96.3 are Cumulus, and each played exactly one song with a woman featured artist and one with a woman as a lead — and both Nashville and TX stations played exactly one by a not white person (in both cases, Kane Brown). 

Marissa: Is Luke more powerful than Morgan because you can play him twice in 30 mins and don't have to call it a double wide? I hope so, honestly. And here on iHeart, I didn't get a single woman — Bones where you at?

Natalie: Seeing a third Dustin Lynch song on the playlist now lmao, am I in the twilight zone. Who is out here clamoring for more Dustin Lynch?

Marissa: He is one of those guys who has unbelievable radio success, and could maybe sell out like a a small theater max? The "sound" of country radio right now is just so boring to me. and yet, there's so much good stuff you could play. Like where's "If You Go Down" by Kelsea? Where's even an older Maren if you wanna be an asshole and not play new Maren (which you should!)? I didn't even get an Eric Church.

Natalie: Right! This is exactly what I talked about with Ashley McBryde, the thing of like, not coming anywhere close to a connection between live chops/dues-paying and radio success. You're seriously telling me your data says "play more Billy Currington" and not like, Reba (or anyone else)? I was kind of shocked I didn't hear any Chris Stapleton either.

Marissa: Yeah, no Stapleton, no Church, no Miranda.

Natalie: No Miranda in TX is embarrassing.

Marissa: You can only have one lady at a time, even if it means Miranda has to go. Let’s end on a song that should be in rotation….